Revisions

A New Beginning

Below is the introduction for my first essay, The Prince Queen: Cersei Lannister.

Red Font– Deleted content in the following draft.

Blue Font– Text added in draft.

1^st Draft

Many characters in George R. R. Martin’s series A Song of Ice and Fire are not clearly defined as ‘good’ or ‘evil.’ One character that obtains such a quality is Cersei Lannister, the queen of the fictional Seven Kingdoms. While most people categorize her as heartless and cruel, all of her actions display a consistent goal: pursuing and maintaining political power. In The Prince, Niccolo Machiavelli gives various instructions on how a ruler should comport himself to stay in a position of authority. He claims that the state is the highest achievement of man and to obtain it, one must be virtuous, wise, and revered. In the words of Machiavelli, a ruler must command respect, but also be loved by their subjects. These traits are typically expected of an effective leader, but Machiavelli also explicitly advises a ruler to be ruthless, and when “compelled by necessity, take the way of evil.” This instruction does not exclude deception, manipulation, or murder. In other words, what must be done should be done.

In the paragraph above, I failed to draw my reader in with an interesting hook. I already had the audience bored after the first sentence! I also failed to mention what actions Cersei Lannister had committed that made her so evil. What had she done that deserved the title of ‘villain?’ I needed to strike a balance between being interesting and being informative enough so that people who haven’t read the book know what’s going on. I also had unnecessary information that simultaneously repeated what I had already written.  

2^nd Draft

Cersei Lannister, Queen of the Seven Kingdoms in George R. R. Martin’s series A Song of Ice and Fire, is a known villain. She organized the attempted murder of a young boy, slept with multiple partners to get her way, captured and beat her brother’s significant other, and even ordered the deaths of her husband’s bastard sons. Her list of villainous acts seems callous and malicious, but a closer look at her motivations suggest otherwise. In The Prince, Niccolo Machiavelli gives various instructions on how a ruler should comport himself to stay in a position of authority. He claims that the state is the highest achievement of man and to obtain it, one must be virtuous, wise, and revered. These traits are typically expected of an effective leader, but Machiavelli also explicitly advises a ruler to be ruthless, and when “compelled by necessity, take the way of evil.” This instruction does not exclude deception, manipulation, or murder. In other words, what must be done should be done.

In my second draft, I changed my opening statement to include ‘she’s a known villain’ because it encompasses Cersei’s role in the books, and the reader would respond to that type of character. I went on to describe Cersei’s malicious acts, setting the stage for my synopsis to come. Although the first part of my introduction seems to be complete, the rest of my paragraph is not. I don’t exactly say what The Prince is, nor do I explain how it applies to Cersei Lannister or my argument.

Final Draft

Cersei Lannister, Queen of the Seven Kingdoms in George R. R. Martin’s series A Song of Ice and Fire, is a known villain. She organized the attempted murder of a young boy, slept with multiple partners to get her way, captured and beat her brother’s significant other, and even ordered the deaths of her husband’s bastard sons. Her list of villainous acts seems callous and malicious, but a closer look at her motivations suggest otherwise. In The Prince, a scholarly essay that defines the ideal ruler, Niccolo Machiavelli gives various instructions on how a ruler should comport himself to stay in a position of authority. He claims that the state is the highest achievement of man and to obtain it, one must be virtuous, wise, and revered. These traits are typically expected of an effective leader, but Machiavelli also explicitly advises a ruler to be ruthless, and when “compelled by necessity, take the way of evil.” This instruction does not exclude deception, manipulation, or murder. In other words, what must be done should be done. Seen through this new perspective, Cersei Lannister’s actions epitomize those of an effective ruler, who governs with brave, decisive actions.  Instead of reckless villainy, her acts are justifiable for the preservation of her rule, the defense of her family’s prestige, and the protection of her subject’s well being.  

My final draft finally consists of all the necessary components. I have an enticing hook, a description of Cersei’s despicable history, and I described Machiavelli’s The Prince as it applies to defending her villainy. I briefly informed the reader what The Prince is, careful not bore them with a history lesson. At the end of my introduction, I bring the conversation back to Cersei Lannister and how Machiavelli’s work defends her actions, and by doing so I made the foundation of my paper stronger. The final product is a better example of how an introduction can convey a lot of important information in a way that will entice the reader into wanting to know more about the subject.